You are deserving of it, but you are not worthy of it.

*** You are deserving of me like you always have been born to be But you aren’t worthy of me in the words you don’t say nor the missing actions I shall not betray my soul for promises never spoken out loud only because the truth is that you deserve me but as does everyone else, and everything I touch will be an extension of my existence And yet,  you are not worthy not because of a lack but because of a choice not to be.

In the greater scheme of existence, everyone and everything is ”deserving”. Everyone and everything is ”worthy”, simply because it exists. It wouldn’t be if it wasn’t. That’s a theoretical concept, a viewpoint of existence. One that I choose to adhere to. But, (”there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about” lol) in terms of human relationships and existing, perhaps it’s a viewpoint that’s not always healthy for us. 

Sometimes, perhaps, it’s a belief system that enables dysfunction? 

When one is meeting the needs of others, without taking the time to assert ones own as well, we just risk running a ”martyr”-complex. Which in essence, is a form of manipulation, since no real ”self-sacrificial” can exist. The examples of saints that died for ”others” or for something they believed in, made no differential between said others, their beliefs, or themselves. It was all one to them. Therefor it was not a sacrifice in terms of ”mine for others”. 

I have found myself to allow behaviour that gives the internal message ”I am not worthy of better”. In a weird way, the needs of others, the morality of their soul even, is valued above the quality of my own personal experience of life. Love is to take another as a part of oneself, right? That’s what I’m always returning to. But I’m put at a crossroad where not differentiating between myself and others, doesn’t come from love, it comes from a desperate need to control. 

The crossroad essentially feels like a refusal to be myself. Now, I’ve begun to see that I often look at a person and project forth some type of wounded-child behaviour, where my personal value, importance, needs and preferences do not exist. As if that is love. It is not, it cannot be. It sounds more like a form of codependency, since I ”don’t exist” and it’s all about the ”other”. 

The deep resentment growing within me, also tells me that this is not real love. Nor is it a practice of taking other as a part of oneself. It is something else entirely. It’s a self-protector mechanism, one that is so obsessed with controlling all details that ”becoming the other” is viewed as the safest option. This is fairly logical, we can trace this pattern back to enmeshment in childhood, when a parent wasn’t able to mirror the childs’ individuality (for whatever reason). But what about the parts of me that actually believe they are worthy of what they want, to have their needs met, and to accomplish their goals? What message do they get about who ”we are” when I’m enabling the persona of the ”wounded child”?

Aren’t I sending myself the message that I am not on my own team? That someone else matters more than I matter, to myself? That existence, is about selflessly becoming what somebody else desires? What happens to me then, and what about this chosen life-experience based of differentiation (we are indeed separate from each other in life, even if the ”greater” truth is that we are all one)?

The crossroads I mention, are split like following: Become who you want to be, and see life reflect your ”I am” back to you, or stay safe in the persona of the ”wounded child” where you try to remove everything that separates you from others, and take the lack of approval as proof that you do not deserve to have what you want. 

It’s a painful state to be in, and yet the choice to take the path (less traveled) isn’t as obvious, as it objectively seems. This is a very ingrained behavior, created through avoiding pain as a young child. Let’s have compassion for that.

On an honest note, I’ve been experiencing some mild panic in response to this split within me. I lied about the mild part, simply to not alert anyone lol. The part of me that wants to keep projecting the wounded-child, feels like asserting oneself is dangerous and leads to rejection.Example, a guy that I’m dating (”situationship”) can be viewed from two angles, one lets me ”have him”, the other doesn’t. One is: he is kind and wonderful and deserving of me because he exists, I just have to be more accepting, more giving, more passionate, less wanting. I have all the control, it is all about me, who he is doesn’t matter, he is deserving of me regardless. 

The other is: he isn’t making enough money, for how I want to be appreciated. He is cute, but it’s not enough for a stable commitment that fuels me. I don’t like the lack of dependability, I don’t like that he doesn’t recognise my wants and desires as something that matters to him. 

One, lets me ”accept what is” and ”have him” in whatever way, shape or form he might prefer. (Note: this discussion isn’t about a person, per se, it’s about patters of behaviour)

The other, in essence, leads me to not having him. And that feels like lack of safety, and instead, a rejection. Because if only I was a little better, needed a little less, he would choose me? Right? 

Giving up self, avoiding to assert ones ”differences” and stand by them, allowed me as a child to avoid shaming and to stay close to my parents. I’d be more convenient for them, if I had less opinions and created less friction for them by not wanting something they had no desire in providing. (again: not meant to shame anyone, simply expressing a personal experience that may of may no be ”true” to the others involved) 

The poem written, is about giving some sense of power back to the parts that feel like giving, giving and giving, led to no results. It’s an internal decision to view the other as ”not worthy”, so as to have a tool to let go of something that is unhealthy. Sometimes we need to give ourselves stories of reality that help us create the life we want to experience. Sometimes we might be caught up in patters where we try to not separate ourselves from others, in order to stay safe. But that comes at an expense of not living a life we feel is ours. 

This ”situationship”, makes me so sad, because I only wanted to experience some connection, instead the patterns (his avoidant-attachment style), triggered this immense feeling of lack of self-worth within me. Duh, what self, you tried to remove yourself, honey, in order to not get rejected. You still got rejected, and poured some salt in ancient wounds. insert mild panic hereAs I entered this ”situationship” my true desires were of the entertaining notion. It wasn’t about building something stable, it was simply about enjoying an experience of connecting with another. But as I started to register how different we were, I begun trying to control the outcome so as to stay connected to this person. Subconsciously playing out a belief that if we are different, we can’t co-exist in a pleasurable, harmonious way. I started to ”manifest” I am in a committed, loving, secure relationship with my sp. Lol, you know the drill. One problem, not all of me actually wanted that. Sure, I wouldn’t mind a relationship with him, accept if he is a little less him (”and be more like me”). So I switched up the manifestation practise to ”re-create your sp, and assume as done”. And yes, it works. All of this works, of course. But at what cost? This isn’t what I want, I don’t want to have to recreate someone to have him approve of me. Hello daddy-issues. No, I want to already feel worthy about myself. 

I’ve playing some sad-song of how ”I need to accept him as is, it’s not his fault that he is not what I desire, I should accept what is” in order to not hurt him. And to not feel rejected. Which is weird, how is it that me rejecting something, is feeling like me getting rejected? I know the answer to that, actually. It stems from my dad shaming me for not wanting what he wants. When he would say, ”lets watch a movie together” and I didn’t feel like it, he’d say how he only wanted to spend time with me, but if I don’t love him then fine, maybe he should just go away (and I should get a different dad). Severely traumatising. The wounded-child made it mean, ”I can’t be different from dad, otherwise I’ll be rejected”. Having connection meant=staying in the wounded-child persona. And so, we continue to circle back to the crossroads. Change? Or stay the wounded-child? Risk rejection through self-differentiation, that will be perceived as you doing the rejecting? Or abandon yourself, in order to stay committed to something you do not desire? Lose-lose scenario. The poem helps with this, because it puts some of the ”blame” on the other person, for recognising that the writer has needs, yet refusing to act and be in ways that meet those needs. It helps, me at least, to call out someone as ”unworthy” before I can leave a pattern behind. He is not worthy of the person I want to be, or perhaps the person I already am, he isn’t offering her what she needs, nor what she wants. And me, being able to feel his triggered self-worth wound of ”I’m not good enough for her”, am trying to avoid him feeling that, by not becoming her. The truth being, he has always deserved me, I am more than willing to accept him as he is. But, just like my dad, by refusing to acknowledge that some needs are not met by him, taking ownership for that, and creating a third way, a win-win for both of us, he is instead playing the victim as if he was the one who got rejected, so now he has no avoid, ignore and reject me in response to that. That’s the lie, I never rejected all of him, I simply wanted something different. Sometimes what he could provide, other times, what he couldn’t. That should not be a problem, really.

Yet he, chose to reject all of me. Dad, could, in a utopia, where he is practising self-awareness, have said ”hey, I don’t feel connected to you right now, and I’d like to, without being demanded to provide anything for you.” And I’d respond with ”I am currently emotionally overwhelmed and movies are even more information I’m going to have to process. I don’t have the bandwidth for that. I want to sit and write or analyze my thoughts. I also want to feel connected to you. Could we perhaps go for a car-ride together? Would that meet both of our needs?”. Alas, my life is not utopia, and dad is not on board with self-awareness. 

It’s a painful split, to look at who you want to be, and who you have to be, in order to keep a connection you’re not fulfilled within. And, the obvious is to not see the self-serving motives of keeping said unfulfillment, but underneath I’ve found a primitive need to be close, have people around, be in connection. Which makes sense. Another word would be, belonging. But for animals, belonging is not emotional, it’s a survival instinct. An instinct that we also have, when born. 

It is interesting, to me, how life loops itself so that we get to integrate a part of our psyche, by mirroring the same unresolved trauma, again and again. If trauma is distress without resolve, then perhaps we, as adults now, can offer some resolve to that wounded-child-part that’s still stuck in distress? The problem never laid in us being different, or wanting something else. The distress wasn’t caused by us being different, we know this when we think of friends who don’t trigger this part within us, and yet still are very different from us. The distress wasn’t caused by our inability to express ourselves, nor our lack of deserving or worth. No, our distress came from being faced with people who were not capable of witnessing us, mirroring us, and connecting with us. The suffering, and re-mirroring of that distress, came from the meaning we added to the experience. It didn’t mean that our differences were the cause for the distress, it didn’t mean that our wants were selfish and at blame, but that’s the meaning we assigned. For blaming ourselves, and taking all control, was perceived by us as the safest option. But I see now, It’s not my role to carry and prevent the pain of everyone around me. I know me being me, triggers pain within my dad. And I hate that. But I’ve made that mean that me being me is causing dad pain. Me being me is causing my ”situationship” pain. That, however, is not true at all. 

I wish it was. I wish I could control everyones pain, so that I didn’t have to experience the people I care about in pain. I wish I could tip-toe around all their wounds and make myself comfortable to them. But that’s not possible, myself, cannot exist, if some aspects of her need to be reduced in order not become an inconvenience to the life of others. 

Again, for what would then be the point of even experiencing this life? A life where we are separate, and we are different from each other. By design, we can never be exactly the same as the other. So the point logically cannot be, to give up self and become other, in the name of love. 

No, the distress was a result of people who were not capable of perceiving me as other, as a separate being, different from them. Probably because they had made it mean that if I don’t agree with them, and do as they do, then I’m a threat to them feeling belonging. Again, sad. I’ve always wanted my dad to feel belonging. But if the point of my existence would be to make sure dad (or another) never experiences pain, surely I wouldn’t have been given this human experience for that mission, now would I? 

Instead, the resolve here, I think, I to find ways to allow myself to step into and become who it is that I wish to be, even when I know that it triggers pain within another. Trusting in my ability to find the win-win for the both of us, given I am approached with the mutual desire to experience connection with another. Resolve here, is committing to being separate, and to differentiate between what I want, and what the other wants. To believe that I am worthy of belonging with others, even as we are different from each other. 

Here’s the beauty of our existence: dad doesn’t have to change, for us to change an internal pattern, and have that change be reflected in our external experience. Sure, self-awareness expressed, is integral for healthy relationships, but not all are worthy of them, even if they do, in fact, deserve them. (See what I did there, very proud!)

*** You are deserving of me like you always have been born to be But you aren’t worthy of me in the words you don’t say nor the missing actions I shall not betray my soul for promises never spoken out loud only because the truth is that you deserve me but as does everyone else, and everything I touch will be an extension of my existence And yet, you are not worthy not because of a lack but because of a choice not to be.

*Note: whatever is written by me, sometimes has the tendency to sound as if I have all the answers. I don’t. I don’t even have some of them. This is simply the style of how I prefer to write and express myself. When something seems like I’m taking some personal opinions as facts for how things ”really work”, please know, it is simply my personal opinions. Expressed a little authoritarian, none the less. This is how I enjoy writing. Hope it is how you enjoy reading, as well. xx