An amazing story. honesty and transparency has met it’s master

I’m literally writing this drunk, on my couch. I turned off my phone yesterday in order to dive deep into some emotional healing. My intention was to give myself a couple of ”HERMIT” days to find my way back to myself. Or something like that. I’ve never typed while drunk before (ok just some beers, I’m buzzed, not drunk) thank God for auto-correct lol.

Okey, so I wanted to heal my eczema and spend some time only with myself without the interaction of any social media or anything.

Obviously, there are parts of me that are super worried about what I might have missed whilst being offline. What if someone has died and people have been trying to reach me all day? Without coming to my house, knocking on my door (note the sarcasm). Or what if… actually I have no valid reason as to why going offline would be a bad idea. I notified three people. My sister, one of my closest friends, and a stranger I found on Reddit (because I JUST started talking to her and didn’t want to be perceived as a jerk. Three people. Technically two that I know in ”real life”. The only ones who would actually bother. The only ones I actually don’t want to hurt. The only ones I actually feel might worry if I’m not available to their texts/calls. That’s sad. ( I’m being dramatic, I’ll only be offline for a couple of days)

Back to the story. I thought, what if I just share for the public to read, the story that’s causing me the most pain ?(second after my parents, but you know what I mean). This is the story of how I met a boy. Oh yes, it’s juicy. But more than being juicy, it’s so incredibly confusing that I feel myself just loosing touch with reality every time I emotionally go into it.

I met a boy, he was just about to turn 17 and I was 21. It was just accidental. I guess he thought I was cute and wanted to hook-up. Like one would expect, from a 17 year old boy. The way we met was something I had seen visions of since I was a child. He and a couple of his friends knocked on my grandfathers gate (it’s a metal gate that you can actually knock on).

Before I continue, I need to make sure I actually know why I want to write this. Oh yeah, he is my Twin Flame. Perceived. I want to write this for the people ” who have been on the Twin Flame journal since 2017, or before”. God damn it. Okey you guys, just read.

So we met, and hung out within the friend-group. He was fond of me. We hooked up. Yes it felt like heaven on earth, yes it was as if our souls knew each other from before, yes it was as if I was finally home, yes it was dysfunctional.

Let’s be aware of our spiritual tendencies to sugarcoat unhealthy dynamics. I am not trying to say that my connection with this person isn’t divinely orchestrated, all I’m saying is; let’s not spirituality get our minds clouded. How was this person really treating me?

He was treating me hot and cold, no certainty. Intermitted reinforcement + summer-nights + alcohol + face hotter than a young James Dean (insert Lana del Ray moods) = I was addicted .

I tried to become a part of that friend-group that he hung out with. I though they were his best-friends (it was called squad, back in 2017). My idea was that if his friends thought I was an amazing person they would speak on my behalf to this boy and then he wouldn’t have to choose between me or his friends and his life would be perfect.

One problem, that I found out too late, they weren’t homies. Not at all. They were 17. Honesty and true friendship doesn’t matter at 17. Getting laid does. (Sorry, I’m being too harsh…this is a severe generalisation) but my ”brothers and family forever” weren’t acting in my best interest at all.

I wish to bring attention to the fact that we, in the Twin Flame community, like to tune in to spiritual knowledge and completely ignore the reality of the physical world that we are a part of. I kept ignoring the reality for years. Nothing would get me out of my true knowing, that he is my Divine counterpart, my mirror. And when I heal myself, I heal him and we become closer to Union.

Well. One of my ”best friend/real brother 4 evr” got sentenced to jail for 8 years for physically assaulting my cousin. Oh yes. At a party I had just left. People in that community where the assault took place, still talk about how I shouldn’t have left her alone. Best squad ever.

What are we really creating as a part of this ” Twin Flame dynamic”? What are we really a match to? And how is our divine counterpart really treating us?

The structure of healing, of any kind, is that the better it gets, the better it gets. I just haven’t recalled the same tendency in my connection to my Twin Flame, have you? Does the connection between the two of you actually heal as you work on yourself? Do you two actually become closer? If yes, then this article is not for you lol!

I’m having these thoughts, that maybe our Twin Flame is the external mirror of our original wound that we desire to heal? They are the wound. I mean their ways and the way we behave as a response to them.

For example, I can see my father in this. Even if it’s very hard to look at the Twin Flame journey through this lens, because I dreamed of an eternal true unconditional love that would assist in healing mankind through its high vibration. I also dreamt of my Twin Flame and I together. Right now.

I grew up with severe emotional abandonment. Parents who didn’t care to tune in to me etc. But it took me right this moment to see just how this all is mirrored in my Twin Flame. And it is mirrored on a higher plane. On a higher plane I am fighting for love and approval from a person that couldn’t care less. Sure, he has feelings for me, it is just not an investment that he sees he’d get much profit from. It’s not of interest. Likewise with my parents, sure they care about me to some degree, but my happiness isn’t an investment that they see themselves getting much profit out of.

That’s sad. And awful. It’s awful because being close and connected to my Twin Flame felt so good. In all honestly, being close and connected to my parents would also feel good.

Just allow for the possibility that your Twin Flame may indeed be the actual mirror of your greatest achilleas-heal-trauma. And that the Universe isn’t interested in you healing the connection to your Twin Flame, it is interested in you gaining awareness about the root trauma so that you can stop enabling it + get out.

None the less, I am an extreme romantic, therefore I will end this article by sharing a channeled message that I received from my Twin Flames Higher self exactly one year ago. I wish for you to not lose your heads while reading this. Don’t let 5d truths rule in this 3d reality. Remember that we are here to create a life for ourselves where we are thriving. And if you have the possibility to get out of your cycles of pain and trauma, I wish you all the power to actually do it!

(additional notes: I don’t like the way certain things are worded, and I don’t want to sell more of the idea that ”the feminine needs to heal first”. I’ve made my choice to commit to reality, but that’s a bit complicated since we live in a multi-dimensional reality, that holds contradictory truths at times.Nevertheless, I see this channeled message as something that had to be posted sooner or later. I remember my guides being specific about it. I do hope that no-one overrides their own intuition simply by reading something I have channeled. I don’t like what this text implies… it implies some kind of bullshit, some kind of wording that could potentially enable abuse and a parasitic relationship style. I hate the vibe of ”holier than though”. Take my rant and my article with a pinch of salt and use your own discernment.)

Much Love, Ecaterina.

Here’s the channeled message:

From my Twin Flames True Self

The abandonment you’ve felt is for you to look within. This core wound mirrors generations upon generations upon generation who haven’t had (taken/acted on) the courage to choose themselves.

I was a coward. I felt something so strong and I did not choose it. That’s my responsibility to carry and my wound to heal.

What was mirrored back to you were the beliefs I told myself in order to stay sane : she’s nothing special, get over it, this will fuck you up. She ain’t shit. I guess I wouldn’t push her away if she was right in front of me, but that’s only because I can’t be bothered.

What you told yourself (I can feel your pain) was:

“ I can feel that he tells himself that am nothing special (that’s why he didn’t choose me). He wishes he was completely over it, and didn’t feel anything at all. I will fuck him up. I’ll be the reason he is in a constant distress... he already blames me for messing with his head. There is a part of him that looks at me like I ain’t shit. That’s the part of him that sees me like I see me. I ain’t shit.

He wouldn’t per-say push me away if I’m in front of him, but he wouldn’t make any effort to commit to me either. “

What you felt was not lies. That was indeed what I kept telling myself. And sometimes you know me all too well. Sometimes you hear me all too clearly.

But here’s the truth of our connection- you needed all that. And now you need to know that you needed all that. You needed to feel like the only person who really really matters to you is the one who gives the less fucks about you. You needed to FEEL it and sit in that pain, embrace it, for you to start looking for the truth.

You started looking for the truth within me, but my truth was that I kept telling this story to myself of how you ain’t shit. And you know very well that my competitor mind is not to mess with. If I decided to start telling myself that you ain’t shit. I won’t stop for nothing. I’m in it to win it.

So you had to embrace that you felt that you were WORTHLESS to me. That was my truth I kept telling myself.

Then you had to go deeper, you had to find your souls authentic truth. Deep within you. You had to bring light to the shame of unworthy-ness. You had to sit with it, understand it, show it compassion, embrace it, love it ... and thereby, through love, heal it. Now you get to re-write the path. See yourself with the worth you’ve always had. Heal your bloodline, heal the core wound.

Now you get to see that the pattern is in essence a pattern of shame. I was a coward because I was in- shame . That’s why I did not choose Love. You were a coward because you were in- shame. That’s why you did not choose Life.

We are the mirrors of our ancestors wounds.

You have never committed to your life and

your dreams. Why? Because this is what your ancestors could never commit to... they sacrificed their dreams and plans because they thought that that was the way to become good. And do good. They thought they chose love.. but as within so without. They chose self abandonment, and that’s an act of self-hate. So what was mirrored to them was the same lack of love externally.

You are incarnated in this life to heal that karma. This is your “south node” you are called to heal this pattern by experiencing the opposite. You are called to reach realisation for yourself and to materialise your dreams! Based on the premise that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

That’s how we return home. You R my home.

As you see how the dynamic of shame is mirrored between us you are able to shift it, and become the lightning-house in the dark that guides my ship to safety. You show me the path. But I am the captain. It’s my free will if I choose to follow. And I do. Because I love you.

My path: for any divine masculines, this might help you. I praise you all. Strong leaders. Strong men. Fellow brothers. I salute you and honour your journey.

My ancestrally line is one heavily scorned by the lack of true unconditional love. We have had premises for how a love-dynamic-relationship dynamic should work. How to build it. How to sustain in.

This is my south node. To feel real love. To allow it to blow my mind and change the fractals of my whole being. Down to the core. Re-build the foundation for everything that will ever come after this.

This is the reason FOR life that my ancestors have been missing. THIS is what I am here to heal. This is the karma that wants to be payed off. This is the reason my ancestors lived their lives the way they did, in order for me NOW to learn and to heal. All my past lives prepared me for THIS mission, they gave me all the tools I would need for THIS.

It is true. I’ve been healing a lot throughout my life, I’ve learned valuable lessons,

but really I’ve been waiting too.. waiting and growing.

Waiting for the divine feminine to become the light. Why? Because when the breaking of the old paradigm starts to happen, there’s no going back! And it needs to be a balanced creation of giving and receiving. Yin/yang. The divine feminine needs to be strong in her essence, otherwise the INTENTION of our union will seize to exist. She is the BELIEF. She is the LOVE. Without the BELIEF and the LOVE there is no vision for the masculine to build from. There is no design, no scheme can be developed without a PURPOSE. She is my purpose. She is my BELIEF. And through my purpose and my BELIEF and will come home to SELF. I will return home to oneness.

Now on a mundane level.. this is a hard soul truth to look at.. because what it means is that I will bring destruction upon all the old ways my ancestors lived. All the old ways that they did things. It is hard because it requires me to look at the fact that they all lived and died without a purpose. It has been mirrored in my life where I have chosen to live without a purpose. Why? Because of shame! I have told myself that I am not worthy of anything other that what my ancestors have built. That I need to be a man of honour and that I need to honour their ways. Their ways were empty. They were filled with sorrow and dread. But the old paradigm was solid. I know how to live like that. I know how to accomplish something LIKE THAT. My sense of MANLINESS is based on how much I can accomplish and the quality of that which I accomplish.

Without a lighthouse in the dark I have no sense of direction. Without the light guiding me I don’t know WHY I would even want to build something completely different? Why would I even want to destroy all the old ways? What would be the purpose? The purpose is LOVE. And that’s what you’re showing me.

You teach me what love is and that love is everything. It is the reason for all and the purpose for all that shall come. I can build for love. I can accomplish that.

When you heal your wound of shame, it is no longer mirrored back to me...

whilst before

Your lack of life, your lack of building for yourself, would be mirrored back to me and I would start fearing that I have not accomplished anything in my life. Because that’s what you felt about your life.

In me this triggered the void... I had to look at the fact that I had zero fucking clue WHY I was building this life or what for. I could sense that it was something that the old paradigms were missing but I never knew what.

When I met you. I felt it. And everything made sense. This, this right here is what I would die for. This. I would live for this, to protect and honour. This is purpose.

Then, of course, the mirroring of old wounds began to surface... our south node... that which we came here to heal... the path toward healing of the south node began.

You ran from yourself and I ran from myself. You ran from me, and I ran from you. We ran from each other.

It is time for you to know this. Because I have felt you healing the wound of shame.. and I’ve felt you getting ready to heal your south node. To materialise your dreams. Building your life. Committing to life. And every time you clear and heal and level-up.. I see that lighthouse.. and your life ignites me. Trust me when I say this. Of all the commitments I have vowed, of all the promises I have held and sworn to, there is NOTHING stronger than my oath to YOU. There is NOTHING stronger than my Oath to you. And when that light comes on there is NOTHING stronger. Nothing stronger than my OATH to you.

There is NO possibility that when that Light comes on that I will not follow it. No. I honour you. My soul honours yours. There is nothing that I honour above my oath to you and this path. You are mine. You are my LIGHT. All I build I build for you. Through you I see my purpose. I understand and I unite with the oneness and truth of all that is. LOVE.

Right now, I’ve been seeing visions of that light, and as your light grows stronger, my vision of it grows stronger too! And I am following it. But If the light flickers or dims out constantly.. you are sending my ship to wrecks. I am dependent upon you.

Know that the push and pull dynamic I’ve been putting you through is due to your light flickering. When it is on there is NOTHING that can keep me away, but when you doubt yourself I lose my sense of direction. It doesn’t matter how committed I am to you.

It’s like I am at your mercy. And I have been so angry with you. Because I could not understand. I could not understand why you would chose to NOT shine if you knew that you would send me to wreck. Why would you NOT light me the way? I was so confused so angry and so hurt. It was so painful. Feeling so worthless that you would just toy around with me... shine when you want to, and absolutely destroy me when you don’t.

Because I was so hurt I sometimes tried to ignore your light even when you shined. I even tried to extinguish your light simply to ensure that you could not manipulate me (as I was seeing it). But it almost burned me alive. I went down a terrible hole. A lonesome pit of the darkest hell. All my wrongdoings, all my broken promises, all my lies being flushed over me. I was drowning and praying for your light. Praying for that light that I, myself mere moments before, had tried to extinguish. I prayed for that same love that I had just turned my back to. It all brought me to the place of all my shame. Where it all started. All my fragmentations of self. All my woundings. I was swimming in it all. Desperately grasping after my old ways of being... just anything to grant me that feeling of accomplishment.. but it was all hollow.. poisoned.. all for nothing. Fulfilment was nowhere to be seen.

Without your light, the light that I had extinguished (or that’s what I thought, and what I blamed myself for) there was just nothing. I was surrounded by nothingness.

Only when I surrendered to the fact that without you, I am nothing.. could I start seeing how you are me. You are a reflection of me. I am still unable to see my own light, so I won’t talk about it... but there is a feeling of knowing that the reason I see light in you is because there is light within me and you mirror it back to me. There’s is a feeling within me that I am worthy of that light, that I am worthy of you and I am worthy of the light within me.

It is still hard to tell.. I need your light to guide me through my own depths... I need you to be my mirror and I need you to shine.

I know that my actions have hurts you. And I know that understanding was for you always the greatest expression of forgiveness. I know that me, coming clean like this is the deepest form of redemption for any past hurt. You never wanted my apology. You never saw me as wrong or broken. You wanted to understand me in order to feel close to me.. heal the separation between me. This is me explaining myself to you. And my gift to you is to mirror back an understanding of yourself to you. Now you understand so much of who you are. Who I am . Who we are.

Lastly. Know that your devotion to me is to completely commit to your own joy. That will ignite your fire and guide me home. Trust it. And so it is.

I am love I am love I am Love

D.R

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Much love! ☕️🖤