Building for yourself. Get really clear about what you want.

Friday July 3rd, 2020. A cool, windy noon in Sweden. The energies of the upcoming full moon are already streaming in. Time for an update: these energies need to be harvested lol!

It's 11:11 on the clock as I'm typing this, and what I'm thinking is how much in a state of avoidance I'm in. Even doing this update. I really love doing what I do... and I'm really good at it too. That's the problem, isn't it? When you're authentically enjoying doing something you can't go back to your old ways. And you're faced with a minor identity crisis... it may feel like exhaustion. Denial and depletion.. they go hand in hand.

I recorded a reading this morning, tarot spread and channeled messages... but then I felt so ashamed that I wasn't even wearing make-up.. it didn't feel very professional. But when I do put make-up on / write down notes/ prepare what I want to touch upon, I feel insincere. Silly, right? It should be the opposite, that the more energy I put into something the more response I get. I should be thrilled to commit to my work! But all I feel is wanting to hide, run away.

This goes hand in hand with todays reading, because what we're going through is an avoidance to build for ourselves.

Possibly building for yourself was deemed as selfish in your childhood, so you've learned to avoid it at any cost. Now I can't tell you to "grow up" or "suck it up" or be "mature" because saying that is extremely abusive. What we've gone through in our early childhood is a dismantling of self. ( As usual, take it as it resonates) Meaning that we probably got punished in some ways (most often in the form of emotional neglect) as we moved in the direction towards meeting our own needs. In our parents eyes this was seen as an act of defiance... unwillingness to submit to their command. We were seen as a threat to the hierarchy. And we were. But!! The matter is that the pain within our parents stemmed not from us, meeting our own needs, but from their fear of abandonment. What our parents grew up with was a fear of conflict and abandonment. What they learned about conflict was that contradicting opinions were the cause of it. As soon as conflict arose in their household, when they were young, there was a risk of abandonment. So conflict needs to be avoided at all cost. And to them avoiding conflict means loving each other. Why? Because if conflict leads to a parent leaving the family, the family falling apart, people being miserable and drowning in bottles etc then no conflict is the antidote. How do you avoid conflict? By 1. Not having an opinion, or 2. Having the loudest, most powerful opinion and making sure that everyone else respects you (fears you?) to the point that they never dare to question your opinion. This is the foundation of an unsafe environment. This is the curse of all unhappy households. I will have to argue my fellow comrade, Lev Tolstoy, on this and say that all unhappy household are indeed the same. The root is what unites them- lack of trust.

What do we know today? We know that conflict needs to arise in order for trust to be built. Stick with me! Think about the person you trust the most! Why do you trust them? Because they make you feel safe. Why do they make you feel safe? Because in a moment of conflict you feel comfortable enough to still voice your opinion and be taken into consideration. The closest people to us are those who we can trust in moments of conflicts. Trust is nothing more than to be valued and seen... Trust means to not act against the best interest of another person. It means understanding the other, through listening and asking.

This is a huge dealbreaker in relationships today, our fear of our parents is being brought in to every scenario where we might feel that somebody is above us in a hierarchy. Makes it impossible for us to depend on somebody because we learned that to depend is to be submissive, meaning the underdog. Unsafe. And we weren't wrong for adopting this belief because that was what our reality looked like.

Trust is out of the window.. trust is the unseen trauma. The LACK of trust. It pains me to channel this energy right now because I feel like I am betraying my family. Often the case of a family where dad is in charge, mom brings sliced fruits, cookies and juice to you and your friends, and you have good grades and neatly braided hair, looks like the "perfect" family. In this "perfect" family voicing your opinion, having a Self might ultimately mean loss of family. And with that loss of (perceived) identity. And ”love”.

Truth about conflicts is that they will arise no matter what. You may suppress them, if you don't have a proper tool to deal with them, but that suppressed conflict WILL manifest itself one way or another. Fear of conflict is nothing but a fear of Self. And avoiding conflict means abandoning ourselves. Now this makes a LOT of people uncomfortable because it makes them scared. Conflict is not scary, conflict is interesting, conflict is exciting. It is not "bad" in and out of itself. It's a contradiction so that we may expand. It's a quest. A quest of HOW can I incorporate this persons best interest AND my own without compromising?

Easy peasy lemon squeezy

Right?

No 😅 Not easy at all. Because that's the opposite of what we have experienced so far. (The opposite of what we are familiar/ comfortable with!) But hey, it's a journey! What will help is having a self... and knowing the truth about conflict as well as knowing where your personal fear of conflict stems from. I'm not saying that THIS IS IT, that THIS IS THE ANSWER to all of your problems... you might not even see yourself in anything that I just wrote. That's okey. There are people for whom this is their truth AND there are people for whom this isn't. I share what I channel... and those, whose frequency is closer to what I'm sharing, might feel guided/ pushed to read this blog/ watch my videos/ work with me etc. Oh yeah- for those who wish to access deeper into their own core wounds, have someone who's able to communicate with their wounded Inner Child, check out my service page!! I'd be delighted to work for you!

I'm avoiding the pain again, aren't I? Okey... Building for yourself, getting really clear about what you want. That's what came up in todays reading... But the way to even get to that, to get to what you want, is to look at why not getting what you want might keep you safe.

The Universe can't give you what you don't want. Also meaning that everything this Universe gives you, everything that you have, is something that you WANT. Yes, even that fight with your spouse. Because the Universe can't give you what you don't want. This is not judging, this is curiosity- WHY do you want what you are experiencing. Most often than not we choose (consciously or not) to manifest situations that we think will keep us safe from something worse. The issue with that is that what we THINK is sometimes what we have learned/ were taught. And it is NOT our Souls truth. Just like the above example about conflict. Our Souls truth is that conflict is not good or bad, conflict is a tool for expanding our views and sharing opinions! It's like gathering information. That's it. What we taught ourselves is that conflict is bad. And this is why we struggle with Creating for ourselves. Because that means having an opinion, you can't create without choosing, now can you?

" Most of the time, what feels bad is not knowing exactly what you want"

(from my upcoming oracle deck The Bridgekeepers deck)

And we have been feeling bad for quite some time now, haven't we?

Get real with yourself, question all your beliefs. The time has come to build for yourself. That means knowing what you want. If you don't now what you want, then there's is a belief that tells you that by not knowing what you want you are safe.

If you know what you want but still don't act upon it, than it's the same thing- There's a part of you that beliefs that not acting upon what you want is keeping you safe. What you're asking of the Universe is to go against yourself. You're basically asking/ wanting to NOT want what you want. You want to not know what you want, while you want to have what you want and not want what is not good. And what is "not good" is wanting. Makes sense to feel shitty. And confused. Like SUPER confused.

I don't have a general answer for what to do (apparently that's what I'm asking the Universe) because the answer is in the question. The answer is to not bypass thy self. The answer is to know what you want by knowing self.

How do you know your Self? You always do! If you don't feel like you do then you have a resistance to yourself. And the avoidance that's coming up in the energies right now is the avoidance to that resistance regarding knowing yourself. You don't want to acknowledge the fact that a part of you beliefs that having a Self (opinions) is unsafe/ cant't be trusted/ will lead to abandonment (= loneliness).

You cannot learn about yourself, you cannot program yourself in one way or another. The only thing you can to is dig deep into the Resistance to Self. If you had wanted to know Self and know what you want then you would. If you don't know yourself - look at why don't you want to know yourself. What are you keeping yourself safe from?

Thank you so much for reading!! I actually ended up posting the reading anyway (instagram @apprenticeofsilence / YouTube @matrix96 ) why not, right? Next video, I'll be pretty I promise! Haha!