It is never going to get better than this

A radical approach to parts-work and accepting reality. This might be the most important article I’ve ever written til’ this day. The most of value at least. I thank the Universe that it brought you here to read it. Thank you!

I was in meditation, trying to communicate with an inner-child self. A five year old. I wanted to see what the intention was for the parents I had chosen, I wanted to look for the inborn sense of hope that child had come in with, as well as (if that child had been given the necessary tools to develop healthy) what her thoughts on sexuality were.

Regarding sexuality, I found that the potential future/older self of that five year old would enjoy connecting sexually with men. She believed that she could be loved, that’s the premise upon which she would connect with these men. She felt happy about it, she felt free. I went on trying to connect with potential future selves, specifically looking for that hope . That hope of being loved. The freedom of another caring authentically about you.

I must have had great resistance about my future, or any future, because all future selves I could sense felt incredibly vague. It was as if a huge part of me lacked hope about the future. I found the belief that there is nothing there for me, in the future. Based on past experiences, the belief was that everything about the future would simply be a repetition. I brought awareness to that belief. Just lightly touching upon it, still these inner parts of mine felt very vague, very tired and worn down. Very very distant to where I was.

I went to the store to get some water, and that’s when I heard in my mind ” it is never going to get better than this” . There was no hope. This is all there was. I am never going to get skinnier than this. I am never going to get happier than this. The sun will never warm my skin nicer than this. It might get worse than this, but it is never going to get better than this.

Just for a moment, ask the protector-self-part that tries to keep you in check to be quiet. What do you feel? Are you able to get truly into this moment, knowing that there is nothing there for you there in the future? To the resisting thoughts, tell them that resisting what is is what is going to forever keep you in a haze, in a mental fog, in a state of fear forever unable to actually feel anything. What are you chasing? Do you really think that will feel better than this? If you could access those better feelings, don’t you think you would have already created them in the now? It is never going to get better than this. No matter how hard you fight it. In fact, fighting this truth will simply keep you in perpetuate suffering and angst. Running after a train that has already left the platform. Waste of energy. Not that it matters, but wasting that energy will make you feel more tired.

To the parts that are fighting this? Why? Why are you fighting? Because it’s bad to give up? Because your parents should have loved you? Because you need them to care for you authentically?

I went looking for the part of me in resistance, and I found that same five year old inner child. She was simply refusing to move to meet me in this time space reality until our life felt better . Until I could offer her something that would make her feel excited to wake up in the morning. I told her that there was nothing more than this. That I looked and no hopeful futures were coming running towards us. And we had no way of manifesting/creating that for ourselves because we had fragments that refused to move. Even if they moved it probably wouldn’t change anything. It is, still, never going to get better than this.

The five year old rebelled against this and threw anxiety fits just raging within me! Trying to get away, trying to claw here way out. I told her that that was not going to make anything better for her because we are parts of the same body. She can’t get away from me, even if she (a stream of consciousness) stays stuck in a different dimension. Still, I told her, it is more than valid to want to run away. I am sorry that people hurt her and betrayed her. I am sorry that she feels more safe there, in her pain, than moving forward to a reality where none of her dreams came true. I understand her and I don’t blame her. She is me. I would have done exactly the same in her place. In fact, I did. I split my consciousness and left her there specifically because I understand her pain and I could only cope with existence by freezing that aspect of myself. Therefor I understand her better than anyone. I see her anger and her fear. And that’s okey with me. I understand her sadness and her despair. Nothing of that needs to go anywhere. I am not making her another empty promise like those people who hurt her did. All I am offering her is connection. She can be together with me now. The way she is, but here in the now with me.

The only thing that will happen if she chooses to integrate with me in the now, is that the resistance and anxiety we feel in the now will dissipate. But nothing will get better really. She won’t have the boyfriend she always wanted nor the dog. Her friends will still be the people she chose, without magically transforming to her ideal vision of people. Her mom will still not recognise that she has lost a daughter. Nothing will get better. Nothing apart from the internal climate between parts. Maybe we would then potentially become a match to better things, but that is not a given because I can’t promise her things I don’t have any personal proofs for.

It’s just what it is, and I showed her how potentially she was being the ”bad-guy” right now. Without it being blaming, because I understand her. And I don’t want to fight her anymore. She is a part of me and her hurt is indivisible from my hurt. I am severely super hurt and upset, too. It hurts so bad and I am in pain. But she, by staying in her detached reality, isn’t helping. She is in fact perpetuating self-abandonment. I can’t be better than I am, I can’t create more than I am. Holding me to some kind of standard that she would wish to see from me is not going to work. I am lonely too. She just abandoned me and stayed there. I couldn’t. I am an amalgamation of every stream of consciousness that couldn’t stay in that reality. I had to continue developing and expanding. If I hadn’t we would have died.

There really isn’t more to say to this. There are no more places to run. It is never going to get better than this. This is all there is. She can choose to stay where she has been, but she isn’t doing us any favours through that. It’s not a proclamation of innocence, it’s not childlike imagination that she’s keeping alive by staying stuck. She is simply abandoning us. That’s all. Abandoning.

She is welcome to join us here in the now, will all of her likes and dislikes, we have learned enough about communication and relationships to know how to create the third option where she both gets to have herself and be a part of the communal stream of the consciousness that makes up the self that we call by I.

The end of self-abandonment.

Welcome home. We’ve been waiting. Even if it is never going to get better than this. It doesn’t have to. This will do.