Stuck in old ways

We become so caught up in our old ways that it’s easy to forget that old ways don’t exist. What exists are current ways. The way you act right now, in this very moment, is the seed that you’re planting. What you get tomorrow will be the manifestation of your ways today. But what you have today is not written in stone. Your old ways are not old ways, they are your current ways. It’s the way you currently get out of bed. It’s the way you currently have (or don’t have) breakfast. It’s the way you’re currently going (or not going) to work. It’s the way you’re currently following (or not following) your dreams.

This is nothing but choices that you’re currently making in this reality. Nothing more, nothing less. By that I mean that your past isn’t what’s dictating your morning routine. Your choice in the now is what dictates your morning routine.

We can become so accustomed to our current ways that we allow them to happen unconsciously. This has both potentially positive and negative aspects. For example, after doing things many many times they become a habit and you don’t have to focus so much energy towards doing them (potentially positive). Or, you’ve been doing things the same way over and over again that they are now an addiction and the only option you see to how to do things. Your ways become a personal, disempowering prison (potentially negative).

In order to not fall in the ”addiction” trap you need to remind yourself that old ways don’t exist. When you feel like life happens to you and you’re stuck in a loop manifesting the same reality over and over again (and this not being what you desire), you need to remind yourself that current ways are the only ways that exist.

In order to do this you can plan out a morning routine, write a schedule for what you are going to do when you wake up. Or you can write an observation of what your current routine looks like.

Imagine you have created a routine that enables you to focus and be grounded, relaxed, energised. A routine that fills you with gratitude and intention for the day/week/month coming up. That would be considered positive, beneficial, self-loving. Because you’re actively, in the now, creating the life that you want for yourself. For this routine to become a habit is beneficial to you because that means less energy is poured into figuring out all the steps of what you’re going to do, and instead energy is poured into how you’re doing said routine. Thereby making the routine of high quality because you’re fully committed to it. You can focus your energy on perfecting the routine and making it the absolute most beneficial start of your day. You can take conscious control over the outcome of your day.

Now imagine that you haven’t taken the time to review your current actions. You’re creating by default. You’re thinking and doing today what you were thinking and doing yesterday because you haven’t actively chosen otherwise.

It needs to be said that no matter what routine you currently have, you had valid reasons for creating it. At some point in time it was considered by you that this routine would bring about something that you want. Therefor it was a desired creation with a desired outcome, otherwise you would not have kept it. If your current ways are bringing you anxiety, it’s a sign for you to look at them. What you are looking for is the intended benefit of creating this routine?

Let me share my own routine that I had last week.

Alarm would ring at 6:42

Snooze the alarm every 8 minutes until the clock was past 7:05.

Get out of bed. Check the phone. Read some messages.

7:13 get dressed in the same clothes I wore the day before, that were left on the floor.

7:20 wash my face

7:25 run to get to work.

I would dread the mornings. I would always make excuses for why I should stay home that day, or why I should take a nap at work. This routine helped me to feel empowered. At best it made me feel like I’m gambling with Source/ the Universe- ”will I make it today? How fast can I put on a pair of sweatpants and get to the car?”

My routine would always make me feel like I’m begging the Universe for a miracle. "Please God, tomorrow can I please miraculously become the best version of myself and get the things I want?"

And when that didn’t help I searched for answers within, in Shadow Work. I looked into why I was feeling like such a failure and what in my past had created this. I started to dig up childhood traumas. I wanted to live, and be happy. And consciously create my life. I just didn’t know how. I saw myself as a victim to my past and thoughts like "I have power to create what I want" felt like a slap in the face. It felt like an invalidation to all the parts in pain within me.

In order to not invalidate your own truths, it’s important to look at how those routines were serving you. What did you get out of them, and why you would perceive that as beneficial? What beliefs regarding yourself and your existence are you supporting and enabling through these routines? Furthermore look at why it is beneficial for you to have those beliefs now? What needs were you trying to meet through those beliefs, and are still trying to meet today?

For me, the above mentioned routine, was beneficial because it erased the feeling that I have any control over my life. I didn’t have to take responsibility for what my life looked like and I got to bargain with the Universe to take care of me. Everyday that I still lived I took it as a sign that Universe did indeed look after me. At least the bare minimum.

Expressions of care were so foreign to me growing up, because they didn’t feel good to me. My parents and relatives would say that they care for me and they would point at things they provide and do for me as proof. But to me, that wasn’t the type of care that I desired to experience, it wasn’t what my Soul wanted so it didn’t feel good. Of course by not feeling good we get an opportunity to follow that feeling into its opposite, toward what feels good. But this is not knowledge that was taught to me as a three year old. Instead I had to find ways to be taken care of that I would make mean that they care for me. It was an attempt at pseudo-safety; if I look for proof that they care for me then I am safe.

The problem of my childhood was that it wasn’t an emotionally safe environment. And I am an incredibly sensitive person, very aware of even the slightest shifts within another emotional body. It was impossible for me to predict what the day would bring or how people would react, there was no certainty to anything. I taught myself to suppress the need for certainty, because I was a prisoner in a psychological war zone. If I have no control over my life, then the people in charge of me control if I live or die. And if I live then they care for me. That’s the belief my child-self created way way back. That belief met my need of being cared for. Was it an objectively beneficial belief to me? No. Why? Because it left me at the mercy of life happening to me and by some miracle, not dying was seen as being cared for. Meaning I could never get out of the state of powerlessness because specifically my powerlessness ensured that I was cared for.

I projected this view of my parents onto the Universe at large. Staying in a passive state was my way to ensure that I was taken care of. It was also, in a twisted way, my way to ensure closeness to (even some kind of certainty from) my parents and God/Source/Universe.

My morning routine mirrored my childhood attempt at creating safety and certainly the only way I knew how. By staying powerless and gambling with whatever power above me to have mercy and care for me. Of course this is a very extreme example and not all days looked like that. But it is also a representation of my inner child and her truths. So it is valid. Neither good nor bad, just valid… considering all things.

Shadow Work like this, while analysing your current routine, is of utmost importance because it takes you out of the experiencer- mode and puts you into observer- mode. From observer perspective you get to choose if these ways, these creations, these thoughts, beliefs, actions and routines are something that you would still like to choose to create. And if you don’t, then you now have the choice to consciously change that and rewrite your current ways so that you create a routine that serves you well and brings about the manifestations of a life you wish to live.

Even though old ways don’t technically exist, our current ways do tell us of beliefs that were created in the past. But the past isn't writing our future. It is your own personal choice to keep giving energy to your current ways and beliefs, or to change them into something more beneficial. Knowing that past pain is not guaranteed future.

Light above dark,

Ecaterina.